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Unlearning 101

Krista Hoffman

Once upon a time, there was a wise Zen master. People traveled from far away to seek his help. In return, he would teach them and show them the way to enlightenment.


On this particular day, a scholar came to visit the master for advice. “I have come to ask you to teach me about Zen,” the scholar said.


Soon, it became obvious that the scholar was full of his own opinions and knowledge. He interrupted the master repeatedly with his own stories and failed to listen to what the master had to say. The master calmly suggested that they should have tea.


So the master poured his guest a cup. The cup was filled, yet he kept pouring until the cup overflowed onto the table, onto the floor, and finally onto the scholar’s robes. The scholar cried “Stop! The cup is full already. Can’t you see?”


“Exactly,” the Zen master replied with a smile. “You are like this cup — so full of ideas that nothing more will fit in. Come back to me with an empty cup.”


While our cups can never really be empty, deconstructing from your religious programming requires a degree of emptying, of unlearning.



Unlearn #1 - I am inherently wicked.


What if I just am? We are a mixed bag of actions. As humans we are driven by our need to survive. We all want to be/feel loved and safe, and to belong living as who we truly are. We can always find ways to do better, but the poorer we view ourselves and each other, the harder it is. It becomes easier to do harm because we expect harm. For me, when I believe I’m inherently wicked along with the rest of the world, I behave and have attitudes that are in opposition to what I was taught I should have as a Christian. But the more we can accept ourselves as we are and others as they are, the more we see all humans as a reflection of ourselves. Then the more connected we feel, and the more we want to do good to those around us. We begin to bear the fruits of love, peace, patience, kindness, etc.


Unlearn #2 - I can’t trust myself.


What if I can trust myself? If I can’t trust myself, who can I trust? It's believing that I shouldn't trust myself because I am messed up that leads me into messed up situations. Even if I choose to trust someone else over myself, I still chose that person to trust. I have to trust myself that it is better to trust another person, and then trust that I got that person right. I can’t get away from having to trust myself. I am the first person I need to trust. In fact, I can’t do it any other way.


Unlearn #3 - I have to stay separate from "the world."


What if I am one with all that is, which includes "the world?" What if the world isn't bad and scary? What if it just is, and what if you belong here? Have you noticed that some people outside of Christianity can be some of the kindest, generous, and integrous people you’ve met? People (including us) are a mixed bag, and all kinds of complex humans are everywhere. People who are genuinely healthy, compassionate, empathetic, and non-religious think it’s crazy and sad that people within Christianity need a reason like, “because God said so” and/or “otherwise you’ll go to hell” to do good to others. You’ll know the healthy and safe ones by how they go about living their life. I'm not saying there are no painful experiences in the world, but how many painful experiences have you had in the church? You are smart enough to keep yourself safe, even if you need some practice by getting out there in small doses at first.


In order to be who you are, you must be willing to let go of who you think you are. – Michael Singer

Unlearn #4 - The devil is after me.


What if nothing is after me? How do you feel, think, and behave when you believe that thought versus, believing “the devil is roaming the earth in order to get me?” Are your thoughts feelings and actions more or less “godly” when you’re trying to live your life believing the devil is roaming the earth trying to get me? How might you be able to be a better human by believing the world is here to support me? It’s better for me to believe in the things I know to be true that inspire me to live healthfully.


Unlearn #5 - Only blind faith and obedience to the Christian god can save me.


What if I don't need saving? Many of us were conditioned to believe that God will save us and won't save others. This leaves us living life in the power dynamic of being dependent, and not being in charge of our own lives, while claiming false entitlement to only one way of living. What if this were true instead: I accept the results and take responsibility for living out my most authentic self. That may be scary at first, but how much less scary is taking responsibility when you're allowed to grow and learn...when no one is waiting and watching for you to make a mistake? How much better of a human are you when you don't feel like you have to adhere to values that are not your own? How empowering is that?



What beliefs do you need to unlearn?


Deconditioning from beliefs that undermine our agency, our authenticity, and our genuine compassion is an ongoing and joyful process as we unlearn and reclaim what we have always known.


If you'd like support while going through your own religious deconstruction, I invite you to schedule a free 50-minute session with me. The only permission you need is your own.


As always, I welcome and greatly appreciate your sharing your comments below.

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